thoughts on life: existentialism; it's never black or white
In 'thoughts on life' the physical and observational elements of life meet when lived experiences bring about strong feelings. Growing from a moment of intense presence.
Maybe existentialism makes way for new opportunities? Bare with me, this turns into a semi-self-motivational post that I hope can help you in some capacity too.
I’ve been feeling it hard these past couple days. I anticipated it this time, tho. The feeling goes hand in hand with releasing new music for me. The release of a song into the world is supposedly ‘a great achievement’, at least that’s what my surroundings tell me. But what used to be a feeling of anxious, but excitable, anticipation has slowly turned around over the years. I’m an independent artist and it’s all too easy to get caught up in the numbers and measure the performance of the song to those percentages and figures. I try to remind myself the achievement is in the act of releasing. Rationally I understand, but my heart hasn’t quite caught up with the concept. Every single song I decide to release is of course a piece of art I hold dearly, so maybe it’s normal that letting it go to do it’s own thing is a hard task. I’m thinking about the next and final song of this particular project now and I’m not going to lie; I fear a distant but gravitational black hole awaits. I very desperately need it to end positively tho, because I could use some fuel to keep going afterwards. My loved ones suggest I take a little break after this, let it all sink in, surrender until the pause directs me in the right direction. But that’s exactly where the fear lies, which direction? It seems like everything and nothing is possible at the same time.
What may not be helping is that I’m simultaneously reading ‘The Midnight Library’ by Matt Haig, which is absolutely beautiful so far, albeit fairly existential on top of my real life crisis. It left me wondering if I could’ve been an olympic gymnast in another life 🙃
I am however fully aware that this rumination is a projection on my future. In this current moment in time all is still well. It’s raining outside, but I’ve got a roof over my head and a bed to lay to rest on once I finish typing here. I should probably shower too, but that’s another story. What I’m saying is, this existentialism might make way for new opportunities. It’s never black or white. It’s just my current perspective on the future that’s riddled with anxiety. That doesn’t have to mean that the unfolding of that future in that present moment has to be bad persé. And on the of-chance that it is, I’ll have to remember that emotions are fleeting. The lows will pass in time.
My mom sent me a screenshot of somebody’s story on Instagram this morning that said we’re all just riding the waves but they won’t break us, nor will we drown. I found comfort in that, I hope you can too.